TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let's have Yet another spot the place American Adult men can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after Trump Tower Damascus finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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